Posts Tagged ‘preview’
As for this week… per our tradition, at the start of each year we take a show and look ahead at all of the theatrical releases Hollywood plans to spew at us. More chunk blowing than Dennis did last night after eating some spoiled tuna at work. He’s out this show, but is with us in spirit and in the chat room.
What more can I say about the volley of cinematic bullshit headed our way in 2013. I’d estimate about one in every eight movies is worthy of the overpriced $10 ticket waiting for you at the box office. One way around the cringe of coughing up that much cash for a questionable 90-minutes of entertainment is a subscription-based system at the theater. An E-Mail brings us an article about a group of friends in California who’ve come up with a monthly-fee service that could save many of the US’s ailing small town movie theaters. For $20 you can see any movie once and buy discounted tickets for friends or family who aren’t members. “Ticket sales” would be tallied by swiping some sort of member card at the door. This could work for large theaters like Regal or Cinemark too. But would it be more than $20 a month? And would it be worth it? Given the next 12-months’ worth of coming attractions my answer is ‘no’ and I hope yours will be too.
The most promising movie on today’s show, for me, is probably Guillermo del Toro’s PACIFIC RIM. I’m a fan of giant fighting robots controlled by humans. Throw in some aliens and del Toro’s directing style and I think we might just have a picture. Coincidentally, one of the worst sounding films on the list comes out the same month. The week after PACIFIC RIM will bring us R.I.P.D. starring Ryan Reynolds. Undead police officer… that’s all I’m gonna say. Tune-in for the rest.
Disney’s PLANES starring John Cryer from TWO AND A HALF MEN as well as THE SMURFS 2 also blip loudly on our shit-dar. While THOR: THE DARK WORLD, IRON MAN 3 and THIS IS THE END show promise. Now we’ve been wrong about movies before. And we’ll gladly admit it when the time comes if any of these we shit on turn out to be good. And vice versa, for those we talk up and turn out to be complete garbage. Only time will tell.
One thing is for certain. No matter how bad the last one was, we’ll all go back for another helping. Kinda like Dennis does with the lunchroom tuna at work.
If you’re staring at this week’s show title wondering if that’s a snack in the food aisle at your local adult store, it is not. It’s Channing Tatum’s new nickname. Why would we call him that? Please see the episode titled, “The Beck-ening” which contains one of our more memorable stories still brought up from time to time. Why are we talking about Channing Tatum? Because he’s got several movies coming out this year including G.I. JOE: RETALIATION and 21 JUMP STREET. Both of these films sound awful.
Charlie can count his lucky stars he slept too late and missed this week’s program because it’s not just reboots of 80′s TV series and toy-turned-movie sequel blandness we have to look forward to in the theater this year… oh no, there’s also sequels to films that didn’t need them, sequels to films that shouldn’t have had a first one to begin with, a movie based on the Navy SEALS mission that killed Osama bin Laden, more comic book flicks, a 3D version of a certain chainsaw-wielding wacko who goes on a massacre, a sequel to a comic book movie whose original was really bad, Daniel Radcliffe ditches the wand, the CLASH OF THE TITANS remake gets an unneeded second, Johnny Depp stars in another Tim Burton film, Tim Burton produces a movie based on one of his first stop-motion shorts, Hasbro continues to sell its soul, Will Smith insures his is never coming back, a guy named ‘Webb’ will give us his emo-take on THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, Bruce Wayne slips on his cape for the last ‘good’ time — although DC is probably already planning Batman’s reboot after Nolan calls it quits, you’ll be demanding a recall on Collin Farrell’s version of TOTAL RECALL, Stallone and friends will come back to blow stuff up and blow people’s heads off, the fight against the Umbrella Corp. will continue, Universal’s monsters will be raped a second time in the ass after contracting Hepatitis from VAN HELSING, RED DAWN will also see the dawn of its reboot, KNOCKED UP will get a spin-off, a Hansel and Gretel movie will come out this year with a plot so ridiculous the guys are convinced I made it up. We did that on the 2010 look ahead and it was just as difficult back then to tell the real from the fake. I swear to you, I did not make any of these up this time around. These films are all real!
Somewhere between the messes of movies being rattled off I run out of Sam Adams Black and Brew (my new favorite of theirs having tried it for the first time on today’s show) and we learn what pig semen smells like from Sheena, Charlie’s female fill-in.
New Releases for Tuesday, January 3rd:
Justified (Season 2)
Contagion (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo + UltraViolet Digital Copy)
Alfred Hitchcock Presents (Season 5)
I Don’t Know How She Does It
Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark
Marley & Me: The Puppy Years
She’s All That [Blu-ray]
Red: Werewolf Hunter
In a rush to get to his spot moments before we went on-air Dennis’ knee had a rather displeasing encounter with the edge of a table. He’d find no comfort in a sip of all-natural Mountain Dew either. The pain in his knee and disdain on his taste buds was nothing compared to the ambient attitude of today’s show. A disagreement over TRON: LEGACY leads the program when a listener expresses their polar-opposite to ours opinion of the Disney sequel. From there things head south even more… month by month. You see, this week’s show is our annual look ahead at the theatrical releases Hollywood has planned for the entire year. Last year we called it “A Glance At The Gloom”, which hinted at the quality of films we were dealing with. Now that 2010 is over, it’s safe to say it was a pretty “gloomy” year at the box office. Films absent of any story or redeeming qualities reined at the box office. A strange paradox persists at ticket counters everywhere. The movies coming out of southern CA are crap, shit, garbage, manure, junk, crud and so on… yet people continue to flock to theaters and shell out $10 â€” $13 if it’s 3D â€” as though they all have a “I’ll give ‘em 1 more chance” mentality that never seems to run out. Comic book movies are bombing left and right, but when the next one comes out, the line to see it is out the door and around the corner.
This year will be no exception. There are a lot of sequels making their way to your local cineplex. So many of them undeserving of that “1 more chance”. The first film being so god-awful you wonder how a sequel got approved. Then you look at the numbers. Hollywood knows they’re shoveling silver-screen shit. But those 1 more chance-ers are making it easy to make bank.
So this year will bring us another SCREAM, another BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE, another X-MEN spin-off/sequel/prequel, another PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, another…. you get the idea. An eerie silence falls over the Who Asked You? Crew the further into this hole… err.. I mean, list we go. By about mid June, early July, we’re speechless and the folks in the chat room are committing suicide. The puke button on the sound board is worn out and the taste left in our mouths is that of a little vomit. Better though, than all-natural Mountain Dew.
New Releases for Tuesday, January 4th:
Dinner for Schmucks
Big Love: The Complete Fourth Season
Coraline (2-Disc Combo: Blu-ray 3D/Blu-ray/DVD + Digital Copy)
Ricky Gervais Show (Season 1)
The Last Exorcism
Rocky & Bullwinkle & Friends (Complete Series)
The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Season 2)
Blade Runner: The Final Cut [Blu-ray]
Here’s some cool game footage from the latest iteration of Mortal Kombat. New this time around, “X-Ray Fatalities.” Lets look at what happens to the bones and internal organs of our favorite combatants as they’re punched, kicked, sawed, impaled, sliced, ripped, smashed and gutted in the final moments of their lives.
My favorite fatality on this video is at 3:30…. Kung Lao wins!
New York? Really? They’re lost in New York? They go to New York City? Really? Because that plot has never been done before has it? Really? The Big Apple? The Smurfs go to New York? Really?
Jesus Smurfing Christ………
If you’re at all still interested, here’s some pictures of Hank Azaria as Gargamel.